A letter to Andrew Symonds

A little letter to the aggrieved Lord Roy.

Dear Roy,

Well, to cut a long story short, we are. Racists, that is. Especially the males of our species, and especially during the marriage season. And rather unabashedly so, if I may add, with the standard ‘very fair bride needed’ a rather common sight on matrimonial ads. Oh yeah, since you might not know, there is this esoteric thingie called an arranged marriage here. Not very different from those lonely hearts clubs and singles bars that you have really, if you keep the cultural connotations in mind…
But oh yeah Racists we are. Now really, c’mon, where else will you find products like ‘Fair and Lovely’ on the supermarket shelves? This letter is not to defend ourselves from that accusation.

But Roy, stop being a sissy now. You are apparently a MAN in the typical Aussie sense, and (again something your team has pretty much perfected) there is no reason to cower behind the ICC now. And really, if there is any reason the crowd was booing you, it would be something to make you proud. You are just too big, just too hairy, and those white zinc-oxided lips don’t help matters much either (and may I add, neither the monster batting that you unfurled against our poor bowlers) … But trust me, it has got nothing to do with the color of your skin (ah c’mon, our untrained Indian eyes cannot distinguish between effect of the sun on a Johnson to a Symonds), or that you are one-fourth West Indian (believe me, the crowds are not THAT MUCH knowledgeable about the players here). Also, monkey chants as a form of racism are a very European phenomenon, most Indians not initiated to European football know a great deal about monkey chants in conjecture to racism (and may I add, no thanks for getting that concept introduced to the masses in India. A Chris Gayle will have you to blame for such chants directed at him in the future).

Heckling, especially heckling with numbers on your side (and the aggrieved party helpless to defend himself) is something our crowds rather like to do. And you should know all about it, you Aussies are not too bad at it either… And so you got a bit of lip from the crowd. C’mon, can that really be worse than what you might have faced in Australia?

Not putting forward a reason or something on our crowds’ behalf, we are meek Indians, how dare we really stand up to our colonial masters? It is still ‘Aththih Devo Bhavah’, isn’t it? How dare we heckle a representative of the greatest cricketing team that has ever been? Crowds in Vadodara and Mumbai, you should be ashamed of yourselves, didn’t you know that you were supposed to clap politely and our team was supposed to just stand back and wait to get slaughtered?

Just that the subject of the heckling (monkey chants and what not) was not the color of your skin, but you. It is, indeed, a compliment. You played very well indeed.

And congratulations for the ‘Man of the Series’ award. Richly deserved. Cheers.

Regards,
Sinfully Pinstripe

Col. Suresh Biswas

Okay, one more thing checked off the register (of that old '100-things-to-do-before-30' checklist).

(p.s. No. No relation)

Surreal Conversation Part 1

On email, remember.

Statutory warning – the contents of the following conversation has nothing to do with any person, living or dead, material or immaterial, and most of it is a basic sample of humorous repartee. We are all very respectful people. Especially towards our culture. We are very respectful to our KaalChaar (and here I am dead serious), and were not intending to needle any community or whatsoever. Take it easy, this is just banter. If there is a real nasty threat that comes in though, I will conveniently remove the post from over here.

Mo:
Sorry for not having called. Will do so today.
If you haven’t read them yet.
http://roshni.blogspot.com/2007/10/daffodils.html
http://roshni.blogspot.com/2007/10/been-there-done-that.html

SP:
You, dog, have no clue how well you write.
The book, I see, as a distinct possibility.
I might just come up with a book on globalization first though ….. Tom Friedman-esque.

Mo:
Thankies thankies.
Don’t tell me you never noticed the Bong obsession for the poem “Daffodils” (dapphodils?)

SP:
Of course I did.
Oh-aa-rds-oh-aa-rth….
The Pantheon is 1. Daffodils 2. Shelley's Skylark, and 3. Keats's Autumn… Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness!

But I actually like skylark….
As in, I even used it while writing about footballers… Paul Gascoigne and the kinds
And hell, 'hail to thee, blythe spirit' cannot not sound great!

Mo:
Me too, I actually like Skylark. “Profuse strains of unpremeditated art”

I actually called Ma and asked why Daffodils was so popular in that generation, and she said the obsession hasn’t finished among the Bong parents yet. They still insist on getting their kids to recite it in recitation competitions.

SP:
I just knew you are gonna say that… profuse strains of unpremeditated art…… Haha! But really, that is Wow!
And there are the cyborg bongs and the neanderthal bongs… will explain the concept sometime.

Mo:
It really is the kind of line you repeat to yourself.
Oriyas are rather simple – they are either peasants or pseudo Bongs. Seriously.


SP:
Oi, by the way, you know this lady Arundhati Ghosh, the Lead india finalist from bangalore?
Guess where she is from? Well, this is the way a friend explains it…

Okay, so I open the newspaper and go to 2nd page, and this Arundhati woman, the same Lead India one, mentions that she is from “a small town in the bengal-bihar border” - and I am like - aiii-gaaa yeh toh apna *SP* ka gaon se hai!

Alas, I do not remain the most famous Asansol-ite in Bangalore!
Toh maine apna Asansol waali didi ko vote kiya ki nahin? You bet!
Rationalism to the dogs, I believe in regionalism!

Mo:
Ohh, really? Tch. But matter of time before you become the most famous Asansol-ite in Bangalore.

I realized my geography sucked, so I bought a world map. And it actually has Asansol on it. No Udaipur. No Bhubaneswar. Cuttack, yes. But Asansol?
I felt damn proud. J

SP:
Ahh! Warms the cockles of my heart! Jubilation.

Mo:
The british had some setup in Asansol?

SP:
Ah, my address was at ApcarGarden… what do you expect? Sir Apcar Alexander Apcar - these are Armenians though….
And man, I have spectacular google skills….
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apcar_Family
http://www.amassia.com.au/calcuttad.html
Ever heard of Apcar and company? Neither did I…..

SP:
I know that :)
Unfortunately, these days, mostly, Bongs are pseudo Delhi-ites. Or peasants. Or clerks in Govt offices.
We are losing our KaalChaar…

Only a very little of the quintessential, archetypal bongs are left over. The ones left are mostly not the 'open of mind and literary of vein', but of the literally VAIN type. I, me and my upturned nose. Oh, these are frustrating folks.
'Hiding in my room, safe within my womb, I touch no one and no one touches me'

By the way, Simon and Garfunkel does talk to me. There are these lines from the Boxer, which are not often used in many versions…. sample them…

Now the years are rolling by me, they are rockin even me

I am older than I once was, and younger than Ill be, thats not unusual

No it isnt strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same

After changes we are more or less the same

Spectacular, and invariably true. How old was Paul Simon when he wrote this?


Mo:
East India Company was mining coal around Asansol?
How come you never told me this!?

Mo:
Bongs are pseudo Delhiites? How can that be?
Klaarks in ghaberment aapesh. And what is a quintessential Bong? With the jhola and the glasses?

So you are back to S&G eh? Strange, I never noticed those lines. So so true.
I have been obsessing over Om Shanti Om songs. J


SP:
I have been obsessing over the Om Shanti Om lady.
Also, sportsman kee bacchi hai, ek soft corner toh rahega…. kyon?

SP:
Chhota Nagpur Plateau touches west bengal, where? Asansol/ Raniganj/ Durgapur….. Raniganj is officially deemed risky for people to stay, beneath Raniganj is all hollowed out…..
Also steel. IISCO.

Arey industrial town hai, kuchh na kuchh industry toh hoga na? And didn't I tell you about my interactions with the coal mafia?
Check out the schools - St. Vincent's; St. Patrick's; Loreto Convent; Assembly of God Church….
Coal Mafia, Missionary schools…. Bingo.
By the way, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asansol


Mo:
Deepika Padukone? Oh she is gorgeous.

Mo:
I knew Raniganj, and Durgapur, and Jamshedpur. Oh, hell, my geography sucks. I have no clue what is where.

You are convent educated, and from an industrial town. And you have had fancy stuff like mafia around. Phir why do you call yourself a villager? Han? You are diluting the experiences of a true villager like me. Bahut na-insaafi hai yeh.

SP:
By the way… Asansol is bigger in terms of population than Udaipur and Bhubaneswar.

30 Biggest cities in India by Population:
Agra · Ahmedabad · Allahabad · Amritsar · Asansol · Bangalore · Bhopal · Chennai · Coimbatore · Delhi · Dhanbad · Faridabad · Ghaziabad · Guntur · Hyderabad · Indore · Jabalpur · Jaipur · Jamshedpur · Kanpur · Kochi · Karimnagar · Kolkata · Lucknow · Ludhiana · Meerut · Mysore · Mumbai · Nagpur · Nashik · Patna · Pune · Rajkot · Surat · Vadodara · Varanasi · Vijayawada · Visakhapatnam · Warangal

Mo:
You fooled me. You did. I thought I belonged. You city boy cheated on the village girl.

SP:
Guffawing till someone came and told me that it is actually getting distracting.
You are the king.
And I am officially highbrow now!

SP:
Well, did you have a clue that there was a shooting for a James Bond movie in Udaipur?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Udaipur

what would you be? Village girl or Bond girl?

Mo:
Yeah octopussy. We got Roger Moore, he was barely a Bond.
So that would barely make me a bond girl.

SP:
Yeh Lo! Sirf Bond se nahi chalega, inhe chahiye Connery!
Moore got Kim Bassinger. So don't crib.


Mo:
I had Maharana Pratap. He ate rotis made of grass while fighting mughals.
And Liz Hurley came to get married in my village.

SP:
2nd best city in Asia, I hear. 2nd best toh chalta hai, but city????

Mo:
There is no list for 10 best villages in India, hence.

SP:
Asansol toh usme bhi nahi aayega :(
Safety mein maar kha jaayega.
Ah, mere pyaare pyaare coal mafia!

Mo:
So tell me the coal mafia stories. Far more interesting than what Rana Pratap did.

SP:
Bad taste buds. Had a serious horse fixation. Horse, jiske naam se scooter banta hai…. Boring name like Pratap. Spawned 20 or so…. The only good bit is, their lineage spawned Kangna Ranawat.

Jai Shivaji Maharaj. Jai Maharashtra.

Mo:
But Shivaji was a guerilla warrior. His agenda was to stay hidden.
Maharana Pratap was at least brave (or at least we like to believe so!).
No other Rathores and Chauhans are well known?

SP:
Let's see.

Prithwiraj Chauhan. Romantic guy.
Rajesh Chauhan… one six in 10 years of cricket
Vikram rathore … worst cricketer to play for india
Raghavendra Rathore . .. scion of maharajas, fashion designer. Therefore (I assume) gay. Moved from horses to men. Good good.

That’s about it.

SP:
Sunidhi Chauhan. God bless her.

Mo:
I meant better known than that.
Tejawats? Shaktawats? Shekhawats?

SP:
Raj Singh Dungarpur. Ganguly Basher. A*shole.
Kangna Ranawat. Awesome. I like curly hair.
Pavitter singh Shekhawat. RV Senior. Bahut ragging kiya tha. B*st*rd.

Mo:
So kangna ranawat twice over.
And Sunidhi Chauhan gets half a point.

So here’s the rest of the take. Of course politicians don’t count. But I have found the ultimate gem. Jyoti Randhawa. Plays the most highbrow sport of the world. Second best in the whole of the country in the game. And one of the luckiest guys in the world, he is married to Chitrangda Singh. Yes, THE Chitrangda Singh.

By the way, our Asansol has Arjun Atwal too....

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