A letter to Andrew Symonds

A little letter to the aggrieved Lord Roy.

Dear Roy,

Well, to cut a long story short, we are. Racists, that is. Especially the males of our species, and especially during the marriage season. And rather unabashedly so, if I may add, with the standard ‘very fair bride needed’ a rather common sight on matrimonial ads. Oh yeah, since you might not know, there is this esoteric thingie called an arranged marriage here. Not very different from those lonely hearts clubs and singles bars that you have really, if you keep the cultural connotations in mind…
But oh yeah Racists we are. Now really, c’mon, where else will you find products like ‘Fair and Lovely’ on the supermarket shelves? This letter is not to defend ourselves from that accusation.

But Roy, stop being a sissy now. You are apparently a MAN in the typical Aussie sense, and (again something your team has pretty much perfected) there is no reason to cower behind the ICC now. And really, if there is any reason the crowd was booing you, it would be something to make you proud. You are just too big, just too hairy, and those white zinc-oxided lips don’t help matters much either (and may I add, neither the monster batting that you unfurled against our poor bowlers) … But trust me, it has got nothing to do with the color of your skin (ah c’mon, our untrained Indian eyes cannot distinguish between effect of the sun on a Johnson to a Symonds), or that you are one-fourth West Indian (believe me, the crowds are not THAT MUCH knowledgeable about the players here). Also, monkey chants as a form of racism are a very European phenomenon, most Indians not initiated to European football know a great deal about monkey chants in conjecture to racism (and may I add, no thanks for getting that concept introduced to the masses in India. A Chris Gayle will have you to blame for such chants directed at him in the future).

Heckling, especially heckling with numbers on your side (and the aggrieved party helpless to defend himself) is something our crowds rather like to do. And you should know all about it, you Aussies are not too bad at it either… And so you got a bit of lip from the crowd. C’mon, can that really be worse than what you might have faced in Australia?

Not putting forward a reason or something on our crowds’ behalf, we are meek Indians, how dare we really stand up to our colonial masters? It is still ‘Aththih Devo Bhavah’, isn’t it? How dare we heckle a representative of the greatest cricketing team that has ever been? Crowds in Vadodara and Mumbai, you should be ashamed of yourselves, didn’t you know that you were supposed to clap politely and our team was supposed to just stand back and wait to get slaughtered?

Just that the subject of the heckling (monkey chants and what not) was not the color of your skin, but you. It is, indeed, a compliment. You played very well indeed.

And congratulations for the ‘Man of the Series’ award. Richly deserved. Cheers.

Regards,
Sinfully Pinstripe